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The Bush Administration’s house of cards, built lie upon lie upon lie, is finally starting to fall. I thought I’d be happy when this finally came to pass, but now that it’s begun, I just feel grief at how far we’ve missed the mark as a people.

Why do different ones of us come to see things at different rates?

I foresaw the buildup to this present situation months ago, years ago. Why me? I don’t know.

It’s December 2000: I close my eyes and see this unfolding of events — it looks like a hurricane seen from a weather satellite. And not a satellite loop on a video screen, either, but a live, continent-spanning hurricane I’m seeing as I literally cling to the in-orbit satellite with cold numb hands, looking down at the earth, trying not to fall. I can’t see the storm’s details or the full extent of its destruction, but its trajectory across the face of the earth is clear.

I’ve been compelled since then to “bear witness to the truth,” as Jesus said the stones would do if the disciples didn’t.

Sometimes the truth borne witness to is positive, as was the disciples’ — “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”

Mine has been a “fire in the bones” variety I can’t get rid of, a warning more along the lines of Isaiah 30:

“Woe to the obstinate children,” declares the Lord,
“to those who carry out plans that are not mine,
forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit,
heaping sin upon sin;

who go down to Egypt without consulting me;
who look for help to Pharaoh’s protection [Might],
to Egypt’s shade for refuge.

But Pharaoh’s protection will be to your shame,
Egypt’s shade will bring you disgrace. …

Because you have rejected this message,
relied on oppression and depended on deceit,
this sin will become for you
like a high wall, cracked and bulging,
that collapses suddenly, in an instant. …

“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.”

—Isaiah 30, Woe to the Obstinate Nation

Now, though, I’m stuck in a quagmire of my own, profoundly disillusioned that so many of us, even very bright ones of us, were so easily duped and so defiant about staying that way.

What disillusioned me most was seeing some of my Christian brothers and sisters who not only didn’t denounce this god-awful national leadership debacle early on but instead actively embraced it.

Now I’m disconnected from participation in my church community for a reason I can’t get past: if persons there are sufficiently undiscerning as to praise the Bush team’s godliness, how can I trust their discernment in other areas? I can’t bring myself to worship in an environment where I cannot trust.

It’s like I finally ran outside the grace that kept me connected.

I recognize this is my problem, but it’s no less a problem to me.

Where I am reminds me of what I wrote to a friend back in March,

If you try to support war in Iraq and confess faith in Jesus, your integrity is breached, because, God knows, the two are mutually exclusive. If you try to do both, you become a stumbling block to Christians and non-Christians alike.

Defending the faith while promoting aggressive war is playing “soul jeopardy” in the gravest way, for who can say how many turn away from the Lord in grief or revulsion as a result?

I just didn’t foresee being so tripped up by the stumbling blocks myself.

[I’m recording this here in hopes I can look back from a near-future vantage point, whole and reconnected, and rejoice at how far we’ve come. Meanwhile, maybe I’m providing a point of identification for anyone else in the same boat.]